OricionSeis
i am lonely. are you there ?

take me to the sky

9:36 PM erm... today i think nothing 2 write about... i juz feel soo humilated... why cant i juz love someone ?? is it wrong ?? why should pple bring someone who i dun like to me ?

no matter what happens...

My love for her will never change...

Yue Yun.. I love U.. Trust Me...



9:05 PM today i haf  fallen sick.. AGAIN !!! bah... sian la.. always fall sick.. totally stressed out.. dunno why liao.... the war haven start.. yet the soldier start to fall sick already.... dunno how liao... hmm.... 2day i saw her nick... totally shocked by it.. and i felt soo heartbroken.. and i juz tot that i may haf to return back to my room and really think how should i go round telling her.... so in the end, i asked her.. if she already had a stead in a rather friendly manner and tone i guess.. she said no, and it was juz a quote... i was relieved to hear that... AT least she is still single... means still got chance... i wanted to show her my blog actualli, to let her know i really feel.. it may seem all out of a sudden for her, but i guess its not for me.... it has been some time already... maybe its rather early to tell her how much i like her now, she may reject me and stuffs and take my words for crap...
 
who knows.... i also dunno how she cope with work, and i also dunno if she has her own admirers and her has her own pursuers... i know that my feelings for her are true and i wonder has she felt it yet... since fereen felt the long ago, why didnt she ? maybe they are juzt two different person....
 
"Lonliness is man's Worst enemy and man's best friend in hope of searching for the answer of which he seeks"
 
i lost my love years ago... its because i cannot keep her by my side, i couldnt give her what she wanted, let it be either in material terms or emotional terms. i learnt my lesson and i wanted to love someone entirely. faithfully. someone who i can share my feelings with. nv did i find such a girl who i can spend my time with, and nv did i wanted to leave her... but i had no choice...
 
in the end, i am now left alone, in the cold winds of the dark, waiting for then angel who is up there watching out for me... hoping that one day, i can find my one true love, who awaits my arrival on the other end of the earth...it seems to be an endless journey...
 
a never ending journey in search for my one true love. even if i have found her now... i wanted to love her. but how am i going to tell her ? in such a current situation, i couldnt afford to disperse my attention, which is my studies...
 
Love is a feeling, its a commitment of sacrifiace, i felt that purpose of love in this world, and nv did i was given a chance to carry it out... i wanted to love her, but how can i love her when we even have problems meeting out ?
 
hope it wound'nt be long before i could show her this blog, to let her know how much she realli meant to me... how much i loved her, how much i cherished her, and how much i missed her... almost everyday, every moment, every second, every hour, she is right in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.....
 
" If God wanted me to choose between Good Life and Love, i would choose Love, cuz its Love that makes a person like me complete"
 
Its you Yue Yun who made me complete, its you that made me feel that theres someone out there whom i can cherish and protect, its you who i wanted to show the world to,
 
I can show u the world, if u let me, I can give u everything u wanted, if u allowed me...
 
If u can take my hand, i will show u the way...  trust me..
 
I Love You...
 
Yue Yun...
 
 




4:08 PM  today.. school was like boring, cuz the weather was sooooo humid.. totally intolerable.... my face sooo oily.. sooo unfortable... OoPs.. sound so ku niang again. hahaha... some indesirable things happened today.. and i dun wish to talk about it anymore... cuz its all in the past.... even if "he" wanted to feel this way about me, then i would only call such people inpudent fools, who judge people by how they react on the outside.
 
i would call my own actions as act of Self-Confidence. although i may not look attractive, i at least have something called Self-Confidence. People who know nothing but to bark at other's back are purely narrow-minded infidels. Such insidous people are such a rarity, they should be enclosed in the zoo, to protect the innocent from mental and physical harm.
 
after which... i find that something are meant to change... while some do not... Life is full of mishaps, and this is one of it...
 
we are not made for each other that is why i cherish every moment i have with you, cherish you as my friend..... not more than anything else, but all i know is, what has happened in the past is history and will never be re-liven again...
 
i have no regrets if we were to be friends, the only regret i will have in this life is not being able to give you a more impressionable first time impression.
 
used to lost alot of things... lost my loved ones, and someone i used to treasure and love... but its all in the past. i wanted to live my own life now... with no trouble.. with no fustrations, live the life i wanted all along.
 
Somewhere quiet, solitude, away from the bustling city, live somewhere in the world, where lush greenery is everyday life, quiet and peaceful surroundings, away from the world. I wanted to runaway from everything i experienced... hardships troubles, fustrations...but now.. i know i couldnt do it, but to face the reality...
 
i wanted to love and protect her... but she wouldnt let me... she know who she is...
 
shes afraid of being hurt, being kept away from her friends...
 
she wanted to be alone, she wanted to live her life alone... with her friends...
 
i respect her decision and i wait silently...
 
till the day... when she could open her heart... the day when she could accept my feelings...
 
i would be contented to live by her side forever....
 
my dreams of being someone influential would come true someday... i know...
 
someone who loves music and the Arts.... i hold high esteem in Music.. but i nv got the chance to learn...
 
i shall stand by her side.. till the end of time....
 
the persOn i lOve iS noT fErEen, bUt thE pErSon i tRuEly lOve is YuE yUn... i lOvE hEr fOr whAt sHe iS, anD wHo ShE is....
 
i LoVe u....
 


7:46 PM " Loving you is one side of my story, wish to be with you till the end of time is the other"
 
Glenn
 
today went back to SLQ.. to get the fans and stuffs... spend on a rather tight budget.. and not many things happened, while i was shopping i was thinking for new quotes that i can use for this blog.. which could be more meaningful and more close to my heart...
 
i think today all the quotes that i am going to put here are all by me. and erm... yar... all by me la... cuz basically nothing happened today and was totally bored...
 
" Its colours that i see, Love, that i feel and sense. "
 
in the past, i always used to impress people that i had connections with the internal media and stuffs, and soon. i came to realise that, people who eventually became friends with me, all are those who wanted to be famous, and hope through me, they could be discovered by the talent scout.
 
but now... all i have left is those who remained loyal as true friends, and true buddies who really helped me along. I gave a piece of my heart 2 a person, a person whom i wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But that person nv did realised my feelings for her, and nv did knew my intentions of finding her. its not that she didnt ask, but i juzt couldnt bring myself in to tell her my true feelings. i know that not only she would reject me, but also to avoid me... soon after we met last month, we lost contact and nv called or sms each other until yesterday or so... however we did exchange smses in the last mth...but that was in small amount like 10-12 smses.
 
i know that she has someone who she like, and someone who like her, but i wouldnt expel the possiblity that she has a crush for someone... its common, and a person like me, will never impress her. nv did i want to share my feelings with anyone, and neither do i want to tell anyone on how i really feel about her...
 
2003, a year filled of excitement, the whole year, filled with wonderful experiences and stuffs, and its through S.H.E that i came to know fereen, and its through S.h.E that people came to know me... and its through S.H.E and David Tao that inspired me to learn music, to appreciate Life and Love. the first day of my chinese lesson, i soon learnt that i am going to have a group of new classmates. from 4n2... and that time i was the class chairman, so i knew that i had to prepare for the worst, should any conflicts happen, i will be the first one to put out the fire... those new classmates for the chinese period came in... and to my surprise... its fereen and her bunch of sisters... that that time, i really didnt know her, but i know that i heard her name a few times in class as my VC, Lai hock had a crush on her...
 
slowly by time, i got to knoe fereen through chinese classes, and s.h.e transactions. i found out that she's a realli nice friend to have... and soon. from mere classmates, hi-bye friends, we became realli good classmates friends... and soon... the feeling called infatuation started to develop. the feeling grew stronger each day... hoping one day i could get closer and be someone by her side.
 
Valerie came into my life as soon i had a crush on her, and so.. things started to change again... nv did i feel so fustrated, and nv did i feel lost.... tried getting closer with val, and it failed for the 4th time, so naturally, feel bad about it, and back to studies. i nv told anyone how it happened, but it was the darkest time yet... soon, i was realli attracted to fereen, and i think that was in the past, i nv wanted to salvage our friendship with val, and i was totally devasted, turning to anyone who could offer help and salvation.
 
i remember very clearly, the first time i really fell in love with fereen was during my attendace at S.H.E superstar's event at Taka, i saw her in her contact lenses, and i was attracted by her... i nv contacted her and nv had the intention to do so, as i afraid that she might not wish to be friends with me.... and soon.. the N lvl result release is drawing near......
 
results being released and the start of sec 5 began... first day of school. i came late and i couldnt choose my seats. so i got erm.. lets juz say that on that day, heaven was being fair to me, we sat opposide to each other. so till then, things started to change... the feeling for her continued... and our friendship developed into what i would usually called "buddies"
 
soon, yue yun came into my life and i again diverted my attention to her... and i treat fereen as someone who i can depend on for crazy suggestions and "free" consultation.... lolz.... till the day... my fellow classmate Hidayat, who WAS my pri. sch mate, came to told me that fereen was kinda like having some "hao gan" i dunno how to express that in english, but i knew it is not very very comfortable with me... i suspected that the way i am treating her made her feel like i am interested in her, but in the end, i continued my style of doing things... and until the day she asked me about this thing.. which was last friday, i told her of this incident and she told me that hidayat told her the same thing too.... so i told and admitted that i did and used to have feelings for her, but that was all in the past, now i juz treat you as my good friend. thats all... i nv wanted to ruin our current friendship, or if given chance to develop into something better, closer, i wouldnt mind.
 
as usual, yue yun disappointed me with her actions and stuffs, and i nv wanted to elaborate on that, as i am very very tired to talking bout her. i know her bad points and i have to accept it if i wanted to love her the way i wanted to.
 
i know time will slowly make my feelings for yue yun die out... i know ....
 
" Time will tell the truth, and the truth will never lie"
 
i knew fereen felt that i had this infatuation going on as my actions is simply too obvious, and my reactions are too open to tell. i never blamed anyone for telling fereen about this matter, and its only the matter of time before she will knoe the truth, its onli a sooner or later problem. i took the risk and told her everything. and i am prepared to lose everything for letting her know. cuz its a risk i took. i didnt know her reactions to this, and i nv want to know what will happen next.
 
fereen was one of a kind. and yue yun was one of a kind too, both equally open bout their thinking and feelings, both equally attractive of a kind. fereen gave me a feeling that i could depend on her for advices and someone who can relied on, yue yun game a sense of protection, she gave me the freedom to do what whatever i wanted, and she's has something that made me wanted to protect her and love her more. Fereen nv made me feel this way, as she always had a pool of suitors outside. so i she nv lacked suitors, i knew of.. all of different "classes" all of wonderful characters that i knew knew of.
 
i appreciated fereen's honesty, and i respected her decisions. i never wanted tell her how i felt about her in the past, but i now know that she has known about my past feelings, i couldnt hide my feelings about her anymore.
 
i admit. i used to like her.
i used to fall for her..
 
i used to love her...
i used to give her my attention.... and i still give her my attention if she needs it....
 
i liked her before.....
 
but now... we are mere friends, we depended on each other to struggle through life's obstacles, to meet everyone's demands. and we became really good friends. did she treat me as her friend is up 2 her, i wouldnt force anyone to do something she/he didnt like. I treat fereen as i would treat yue yun, with 100% attention, and do give her any form of support or encouragement she would need.
 
But if again, if she takes me as another insignificant one, its okay for me. cuz i know i its all part of life.. friends come and go... theres onli a few who will be there when u needed them most....
 
of all female friends i haf.. i find fereen someone very adorable and likeable... someone cute ?  i dunno how to describe her... but she is someone who i can communicate and depend on...
 
i dunno how she feels about me, but anyway. i am not thinking toooO much about it... cuz theres nothing i can about it too.... its all in the past...
 
in the past i might say.... who knows... one day...
things might change ? i dunno...
 
this blog on sunday is dedicated to explaining how i felt bout fereen in the past... now i had no intentions of pursuing her, neither i had any strong feelings for her...
 
for now.. good friends we will be....
 
but what will happen in the future no one knows.. . rite ?
 
no one can predict the future..... who knows what will happen next....
 
bYe~


9:39 PM this morning... went for breakfast with my classmates and my buddies... nothing much happened except for being replied with a msg containing this sms "none of your concern".... den i think ok la.. used to it la... fereen's always like that la.. always forever unpredictable... den suddenly... i had the impulse to sms Yue yun... in the morning at ard 8plus ? and she replied half-asleep.. haha.. cannot imagine how she looked like when she replied the sms... :luffs oUt loUd:
 
so after breakfast, it rained and we returned to school for our S.S remedial... and as usual... enter school with a stupid face.... enter the class and found out that my class being occupied by some impudent fools from the express stream... got so irritated that they occupied my class without my permission.. so ... erm... as usual. that "F" word came out outside the class... totally moodless ... cuz i cannot sit in my own chair and table....
 
yar... i am really a troublesome person.... no la kidding.. i m not... suddenly i felt a impulse to tell yue yun something... but in the end... i really felt gulity when i with my buddies. and of course when fereen is ard... i would admit... that the feeling that linger in me from the past year is still around.. but i think its not as really strong as b4... but i now treat her as my close friend... not to talk about her.. cuz its all in the past...
 
i later went to Sim Lim to buy some computer parts and stuffs.. spent some money and went home and fix lo... den the whole day.. i was like rotting at home... : BAHHHHH !! : life is really boring.....
 
but anyway... i really confused as i am at the crossroads... its either or situation... but i know all this will come to an end really soon... and i am confident about it... fereen heard bout the things which i felt about her in the past, frm weiling and of cus.. she did some digging up from me ytd... and some other personal things.. some really personal things... like my first impression of some guys on why i hated them so much and like y i still didnt accept them as "mortals" ? hahaha..
 
so for the first time.. i told her my feelings.. and stuffs and i did.. admit to the so called "infatuation" that lasted for not more then a year.. cuz i think Jesslyn came into the picture... hahahahahhaah.... taht the reason. if not i would not used the word "infatuation" le.... its all part and parcel of life for me... learn from my mistakes... so let her know the truth. and to allow her to learn more about me.... so its better for her this way....
 
I always wanted to feel appreciated, wanted to feel wanted, thats why i joined the Corps. Its there, i felt my importance and my significance to a unit... my power to command and control. and i would also blame the Corps... cuz the training.. not onli made me metally strong, it has made me emotionally dull...
 
i still remembered.. my first crush... Candy... hahhahha...good to hear that shes doing well in her studies.. and shes now in ACJC.. doing science course... hahahaha.... realli wish to see her again.. but that is realli impossible... but its good to hear that she is doing well and i wish her all the best. its fated that we met in the Corps... and its Destined that we part, nv to contact each other again..... it has been 4yrs since the last communication... 4 yrs.. and so much has happened... and from then...i couldnt find someone as perfect as her.. ... until i met yue yun.. i realised that i need to vanish the thought of finding someone like Candy... and to love someone for her own qualities and character...
 
Yue yun taught me how to stand back up after i fall, she taught me to be strong when the whole world turns it's back on you, she taught me what is resilience, and she allowed to experience for wad i call true colours of life and love...
 
" The furtherst love, is not the distance, but its when the person is right beside you, and yet he/she doent know that you Love him/her"
 
"Its you who is too good, its not me who is too bad, Love is meant to be either Black or white."
SHIN
 
i know that she will not belive how long this feeling has been inside me... but i am trying to express my love for her in words... and each time i tried... i couldnt express it totally... its always a failed attempt. Each time i see her... i could bring myself in telling her.. and i know the day will come when i will have to tell her everything... but now... i think nothing big will happen in my life, and nothin really good will happen... but a series of mishaps and unlucky stuffs....
 
like now.. i doing everything myself, i face my problems myself, i fight my way out myself, i trust myself, i bear everything myself, cuz i dun see the reason why i need to tell the whole world that i am having a problem, and i dun see a reason why i need someone to share my burden... but a partner who i can love and live life with.. to celebrate the meaning of love...
 
marriage is not a protocol of sharing a burden, but a lifelong engagement / contract to love someone unconditionaly, do every single thing together, something like a previlege to live life with someone u like and love 4ever...
 
"Life is a Deviod of all possible choices"
 
" Its always either or, neither nor... it will never be a or  OR  nor"
 
i feel fustrated, cuz i couldnt love someone i love, neither can i find someone who loves me and stuffs.... i feel irritated cuz i no longer feel the way i used to feel... feel wanted and appreciated.
i lost all hopes when i left the Corps.. i felt alone, single and in-significant. as usual as part of life... same routine over and over again... doing the same thing... and i couldnt find the purpose of my life, and i couldnt do something i like.. anyway.. i am writing off now.. hope to sign in again..2molo......
 
Till the stars dun shine, and the Sun dun rise.... thats when i stop loving you...
 
Never shall i give up hope on you, neither will i turn my back on you... forever be by ur side...
 
...........
 
....
 
..
 
.
 
I love you... Yue Yun..
 


4:25 PM today.. i woke up late cuz i watched Euro in the morning.. hhahahaha.... and not just that... i sensed a disturbance and i feel that something bad is going to happen... and i sense her presence today.... i feel something is confronting me soon... someone whom i know will confront me.....

She didnt sense my presence and my importance. But why did i feel that she is so important to me ?

The feeling is not lost...not yet forgotten and not yet relieved....

Its killing me everyday... every moment... the Darkness looms my heart....

Filling my heart with fear and sorrow... where fear and sorrow leads to hate and destruction....

Self-destruction is the end of the being... having lost all sanity, and all hopes for the future... being exiled mentally and emotionally. where he/she will retreat and hide from reality forever....

Soon its her that i find that we are drifting apart, its her that i feel that we are closing in together...

Its her that brought me happiness, and its her that brought me darkness and sorrow...

There is not much hope left... but i will live on... carrying on with life and forget what has happened.

Although the past cannot be brought back, the mistakes made must never be repeated.

I saw my future shine right in front of me... as what i saw in my wonderful dream... and i knew it was a dream... a dream which was meant nv to be fulfilled but to be desired in the reality and a reality in the dreamworld....

the "future" of the two of us... the in the near future.... that nothing i could even dared to dream of...

My dream of becoming someone famous and powerful is within my reach but not within my personal power... I dreamt of entering into something i want to do in life, and that is Music and Photography...

Ever since she entered my life... i have lost my Music touch and lost some of my photographic interests... i knew it was hard to find her, and i ought to treasure her more and give her everything that she wants and expects...

i know it will not last, neither will i expect it to last forever and to eternity... I know, there will be a day... when my proposal will become a failure, a painful rejection and a terrible feeling...

A rejection far worse then anything i have experienced, and i have been prepared for the worst and the best outcomes that may or maynot happen...

She didnt realise it.. even if she did, she will let it happen to her, and she will stand by her principles... shes not as liberal as i think she is, liberal of the mind, but not liberal to the heart and soul....

She has a closed heart and a locked up soul... whoever who holds the key, opens her heart and soul... Whos holds the key, only she will know and realise...

She will never see this, and that day will never come... Even if she would to see this... i know how she will sense... and react.. it could be the last time i will see her, and maybe it will end our friendship and i will be condemn and never forgiven...

That is the fear i had, and something i want to keep to myself and not letting her know my feelings... and if she knew the presence of this blog... i think thats the end of me... or worse... the end of our friendship...

I know where my feeling leads me...

And i have no regrets, knowing that the consequences will be losing everything in the end, sooner or later...

The risk of losing a friend, a wonderful friend.

The risk of losing someone i treasure and loved.

Losing someone who i love for more than just a friend...

Someone more important then anything else...

I meant it...

And believe it....

Trust Me....

I Love You...


1:29 AM today.. theres nothing in my mind.. totally blank, not even "she" appeared inside my mind... i felt the separation .. being torn apart by time and space. its through work and studies that i can distract my mind, pulling me away from the poison i got from her... its sounds obsurd, but i know, there will be a day.. soon enough.. i will have to face her once again...

as for today... in class.. totaally irritated by heart... feel so humiliated, pple dun believe that i am faithful to one and i cant take jokes which question my fidelity to "her" i know i can only give my heart to one. and thats "her", no one can replace her, and no one except Jesslyn can replicate "her" character....

i have come to realise, the true meaning of fear... the fear of losing someone important, someone whom you once loved and cared for...

" The Shadow have loomed the Middle Earth once again, and I shall rise again and pick up the sword and lead my breathern into the Battle Against the Safron"

The Lord of the Rings : The FellowShip of the Rings.

although she didnt appear in my mind/dream today, i know my heart has flown to her, protecting her and guiding her as i go along and carry on with life. Its from the heart that i can see and feel her. I shouldnt be so "obsessed" her, neither should i believe that one day she will be mine.

I desire to having her by my side, the desire to protect and love her, which has remain strong since our first actual meeting... All i could do is to hope to be her boyfriend, the man in her heart, and i do not want to tell her...

I gave the other half of me to her, but she didnt realise this fact. I place her heart into my memory, wishing her happiness in whatever do. Why must Heaven play such a trick on me ?

I know i have loved you. and i love you everyday i sense your presence in my heart...
I believed in you...

I stood-by you...

Now... Alone.. lonely... Under the darkness of sorrow, sadness... standing alone on the street of life... daunted by it, daunted by her... unmotivated to carry on, and feel negelected, feeling used and retreated.....

I stand alone... facing my eternal darkness once again.. hoping to see the light.. soon enough, and so re-live my life full of wonders and colours...

Although i cannot sense your presence today...

Deep Inside my heart,

You have a special place who no one can replace...

No one can take over, neither has the power to remove you from it...

I dun want you to leave me... The place which you have in my heart is too much...

This is my life... and i want you back into my life...

Trust me that i will bring you happiness even in your darkness of life...

Trust me that i will love and protect you...

Trust me that i will be by your side...

Trust me that i will never leave you...

Trust me that i will nv break my promise...

Trust me that till the end of time.. i shall stand by you till the stars dun shine and the Sun dun rise...

Yue Yun...

Trust Me...

I Love You...

...

..

.

..

...

Good Night... You will always live in my heart and mind.. You are my purpose of colours, and my motivation of carrying on... Neither am i a follower, nor someone who is a neglects and be cool. To you... you are extraordinary to me... a special person who deserves more that just my love...

.....May My Soul Lead You to Your Colours and Melodies Of Life.....